if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
