Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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