my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
