There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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