im about as happy as oj after his trial
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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