We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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