So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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