When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
