Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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