Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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