some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
