Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
