What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
