I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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