There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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