dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize