Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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