just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
