You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
