I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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