I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he just fucked me for my cheese..
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
