the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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