I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
