I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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