No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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