eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just high enough for therapy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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