i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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