I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
