I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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