He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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