sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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