Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
