I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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