i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
