Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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