Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
