this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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