Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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