I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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