I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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