so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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