direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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