She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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