You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
