I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize