I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
