I feel great
I just peed on a car
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize