My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
