Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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