I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
