a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
