He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
