I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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