My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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