This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
