i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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