Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize