I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
