Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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